


I'll Bear That Cross With Honour

by Diary



Category: X-Men Evolution
Genre: Bechdel Test Fail, Bottle Episode Fic, Conversations, Disturbing Themes, Gen, Moral Dilemmas, POV Kurt Wagner, POV Male Character, POV Nonhuman, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 20:43:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7655998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diary/pseuds/Diary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Repost. Kurt faces a dilemma thanks to Toad. Complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Bear That Cross With Honour

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own X-Men Evolution.

“What in the heavens-!

In the abandoned area near the Brotherhood's house, Toad rolls his eyes. “Chill, dawg." Slowly setting the knife down, he pushes it over. “This ain't as bad as you're thinking.”

“You were cutting yourself,” Kurt sputters. Grabbing the pocketknife and closing it, he slips it into his pocket, quickly moves over, and grabs Toad's arm.

The damage is superficial: thin and shallow with the blood pooling to the surface but not overflowing.

Kurt looks around for something to clean it with.

“No.” Toad pulls his arm away. “Ain't gonna clean it, fuzzy.”

“Listen, no matter how bad things seem at the moment-”

Toad's laughter cuts him off. “Dawg, I ain't suicidal or cutting myself 'cause I'm sad. Chill, 'kay?”

“What other reason could you possibly have for doing such a horrible thing?”

“Fuzzy, I've seen that da Code movie, and at first, I thought that really pale guy was just whack, but I talked to a priest, and it turns out, some of y’all Catholics really do hit yourselves and wear things that make ya bleed. So, uh-”

“How do you know I am Catholic,” Kurt interrupts.

Toad shrugs. “I dunno. It 'posed to be a secret?”

“No, I suppose not,” Kurt answers. “But why are you, then?”

Leaning back on his elbows, Toad says, “Every time you X-Geeks fight us or those football guys go after me, Lance and 'em hold me down and clean me wit' alcohol. It don't hurt, but- that ain't the point, yo. I don't want 'em to clean me, but Lance says that if I get infected, that means y'all have won something, and we caint let y'all win anything if we cans help it. Or the football guys.”

“I don't understand,” Kurt says.

“When I was ten, I got a cut. I handed my teacher a paper, and somehow, my finger got too close ta the edge. Small, didn't really hurt. But it got bad, yo. Really, really bad. Got to where I just laid on the floor, couldn't see or hear or smell. Couldn't move. Thought, that was it. I was gonna die. It hurt, fuzzy. Hurt so bad. Sharp pins, dull aches, feeling like creepy-crawlies was all over me.”

Sighing, Toad continues, “Eventually, though, the light started bothering my eyes. Then, when it got dark, couldn't see much, but I could make out shapes. Started hearing and smelling again. There were flies, and it took a long time to catch them. 'Cause, my tongue didn't really work like normal. 'Ventually, though, I managed to move. Got my clothes off, took a shower wit' no soap, went out an' stole some of that non-drinking alcohol. Had rashes all over my body, and none of my clothes fit, I was so skinny. After that, though, I never get sick, yo. Never got infected.”

“I'm sorry you had to go through that,” Kurt says. “But what does that-”

“Missin' the point, dawg. Since Lance and 'em started cleaning the bruises an' stuff, I've caught a cold. I got a flu. An' I know it was surviving that infection that made me so strong. Your professor, he and your mama both say something big an' bad is coming. Well, I ain't gonna let myself end up lying somewhere, possibly dying, while there's a freaking war going on. So, I figure, if I'm the one who made the cut, Lance and 'em won't have no right to clean it. Ain't you or the football players who win if something happens to me.”

“Uh, just out of curiosity, what happens when you trip? I've seen that happen before.”

“Usually, they do, too,” Toad answers. “And when they don't, I make the stupid mistake of complaining 'bout it. But I ain't gonna make that mistake this time.”

Taking a deep breath, Kurt says, “You almost died. And you want to risk dying again.”

“Seriously, dawg, this ain't about me wanting ta die.”

“Maybe you don't want to die, but you're determined to do something that you know could lead to that!”

“You're determined to be an X-Men. Y’all risk death all the time, trying to help people. And anyone tries to stop you, y'all let 'em have it.”

“That's different!” He mutters his favourite German curse. “We, we help people. You want to risk, death, because it might make you stronger.”

Scoffing, Toad hops into his usual crouching position. “Ya know, when your sis's boy came 'round, he had me wrapped in a fiery carpet. Now, the others, they coulda insisted on throwing him out. But they didn't. They listened when he said listen, and they didn't even try to attack 'til I was free.”

“I know we ain't known for our loyalty to much, and I'll be the first ta admit that when trouble comes, I'll be in the nearest hidin' place. But whether ya believe it or not, when someone does what they did for me, I'm not gonna take it lightly. So, I figure I either get stronger, so, I can help when the bad comes, 'cause, I know for sure Wanda'll be fighting, and I'm pretty sure Lance'll, too, and the others, well, it just depends, or I die 'round people who'll miss me. Don't like the second option, fuzzy, but you'd die for any of the X-Geeks. That means ya have no right to say I can't risk mine for 'em.”

“Gambit and Rogue aren't dating,” Kurt automatically declares. Seeing Toad's look, he sheepishly rubs his head. “Uh, which isn't really the point.”

“Not at all,” Toad agrees.

“I- Look, I understand the loyalty. But how do you even know that this cut will get infected?”

“Don't. It doesn't, I keep trying.”

“Oh, yes. There's nothing suicidal about that!”

“Nightcrawler, ya saw the cut. Not gonna bleed to death. 'Sides, it don't have to be cuts. I can bang into things or make myself trip.”

“Do you have any idea how you sound?”

“Do ya have any idea how some of the plans y’all X-Geeks come up wit' would sound to regular people?”

“Not the point! We help people. Risking your life for people, that's good. But- Wait,” he pauses. “How are you so confident you can cut without hitting anything major or making the cut too deep?”

Grinning, Toad asks, “Ya promise not to tell anyone, yo?”

“Ja."

“'Fore Mystique found me, there was this crazy dude who set up traps for bears and lions and stuff, even though there weren't none of those around. But sometimes, cats and dogs would get caught in them. Couldn't leave 'em there, so, I learned how to free 'em.”

Suddenly, the grin fell, and scooting away from Kurt, he says, “But the only way ta do that was to cut some of them. Didn't want to, but seriously, dawg, no other way. Managed to learn how ta do it without making the cut too deep or hitting bone, though. Once I got them out, all I had ta do was clean the cut and wrap it. Didn't take long for 'em to heal.”

For a long moment, Kurt simply looks at him. Then, he slowly says, “I believe you. It's just hard to believe. Um, no offence.”

“I still eat bugs and other animals,” Toad points out. “If I told ya I killed them, ya wouldn't really care, but ya say ya cut a cat or dog, and people don't even let ya explain before they start in.”

Wonderment overtakes him, and he realises aloud, “You don't like hypocrisy. Not at all.”

Scoffing, Toad hops back over. “Why ya think Lance ain't killed me, yet? I may have my quirky charms, and he may be a hard-nose bully, but we know who we are.”

“Quirky charms,” Toad repeats.

“Ya have the professor or your priest or the voice in your head tellin' ya what's right and wrong; well, whether ya believe it or not, so do I, yo. I wanna live, I listen ta your mama and Lance. Other times, I don't do anything that causes my voice ta act up. Our voices just have different ideas, yo.”

Kurt looks down. “When we risk our lives to help people, death is still something we try our hardest to avoid. We plan to avoid any harm. If harm happens, we go on, but we- It's rare for us to take a plan of action where harm is an active part of it rather than a variable we have to take into account.”

“Right. Dude, we know about the danger-thingy room. It hurts y’all.”

“Hurts, not puts us in risk of death!”

“'Less it goes whack.”

Kurt glares. “That was Mystique's fault."

“Yeah. Her fault,” Toad says. “Not ours. I'm the only one who can hack, and best I can do is get free porn and change our grades.”

“You can get free porn without hacking,” Kurt points out.

When Toad starts laughing and rolling on the ground, Kurt says, “I mean- Tabby and Evan are the ones- Would you stop-”

Eventually, he gives up, pulls Toad up, and smacks him on the back of the head. “Shut up, you smelly toad.”

It takes some time, but Toad gets to a point where he just snickers occasionally. “Look, fuzzy, you wanna tell people what I'm trying to do, I can't stop you. But telling them ain't gonna stop me. I don't wanna die, but the risk is part'a getting stronger. An' I need ta take that risk. The Brotherhood ain't my family, and we ain't really even friends. But I ain't the kind who forgets those who help me. You, Cyclops, Tabs, your mama, and them. In the end, I'll still fight ya and him, if I haf'ta, but I hope I don't.”

“Surely, you can get stronger without-”

“Dawg, we've fought, and I've more-or-less held my own. We get in a real war, though, and there ain't gonna be much alcohol we can git. There gonna be stuff that make colds an' flews easy ta' attack.”

“I-I-”

Looking at him with something Kurt thinks might be akin to sympathy, Toad says, “Your call, Nightcrawler. Ya do wat' ya gotta do, and I'll do what I gotta.”

“I won't tell the Brotherhood,” Kurt promises, “if you let me clean that cut. I can't have that on my conscience.”

“No soap. Has to be alcohol or some other kinda of cut-cleaning thing.”

“Okay,” Kurt agrees.

“Gonna give me my knife back?”

“After I clean the cut.”

“Deal.” Toad puts a hand on Kurt’s shoulder. “Port away, fuzzy.”


End file.
